Another Conundrum
by Carrie L
Summary: Vaguely borrowed from the plot of TNG episode "Conundrum", this one features a Voyager crew who have retained their skills but lost all personal memories. What will they make of each other as total strangers? Will they find a way to restore their real selves, or become new people, unlinked from their pasts? AU, somewhere around season 3.
1. Chapter 1

_Spun off the Star Trek TNG episode Conundrum, in which an alien wipes the crew's memories to accomplish nefarious ends._

Janeway awoke on the floor of a room filled with chairs and tables, surrounded by other prone humanoids – some human, others clearly not – in loose, casual clothes. The dark of space was visible through broad viewports along one side of the large chamber. Food and drink lay arranged on festive trays on the tables. The scene looked like some sort of party … but a party she didn't remember. Janeway seemed to be on a starship of some kind. As she sat up and began to look around, so did the others. There was something familiar about them, but with a start, she realized that she didn't know any of them. She was surrounded by strangers.

"What the hell …" she murmured. She looked around. "I don't know who any of you are. I … I don't even know who I am."

A brightly dressed non-human with furry whiskers down the sides of his face was pushing up on all fours next to her. They reached out to each other for balance as they stood.

"I don't remember who I am, either," the furry biped was saying. "The last thing I remember is some kind of energy pulse, then I woke up on the floor."

Janeway felt a hand at her other elbow and turned to see a tall, dark man with a tattoo on his face helping her up.

"Thank you, Mr. …" she began, but he was a stranger too.

The tattooed man's face reflected shock. "This will sound very strange, but I don't know. I must have hit my head when I fell down. I can't remember my name."

Janeway blinked and put her hands to her face. She stared around the mess hall as others had similar exchanges. "What do you think happened to us?"

The room began to fill with the same questions.

"Where are we?"

"Who are you?"

"What happened?"

A few people began to experiment with their comm badges, but they returned only static. Others went to the door, which opened automatically onto the corridor. They stood at the threshold, as if afraid to step out into what lay beyond. Purely out of instinct, Janeway called for attention.

"Does anyone here recall how we all wound up on the floor?" she asked.

Dozens of anxious faces stared back.

"Okay then," Janeway said. "I don't remember my name or what my role is on this ship, but I hope we can all agree that we need to assign some roles to figure out what's going on. I'll volunteer to go to the bridge and find out what's happening there."

The tattooed man stepped to her side. "I'll go with you."

 _TBC_


	2. Chapter 2

_Meanwhile, on the bridge:_

Ensign Harry Kim lifted his head from the console between the captain's and first officer's chairs and looked around in bafflement. Before he knew why he was saying it, the barked order, "Report!" passed his lips. In front of him, the dark-skinned young woman at the helm pushed herself off of her control panel and slowly came standing. She turned to face him.

"Captain?" she asked. Her tone was confused and she held one hand to her head.

Kim blinked back at her as he stood too. "I – I'm not sure. I was …" he looked behind him at the seat he had just vacated. "I was sitting in the captain's chair, but right now I can't remember who I am. What is your name?"

The helm officer shook her head. "I don't know."

In the chair to Kim's left, a female officer with long dark hair was rubbing her face as if trying to get her bearings. Kim turned around to see the officers at the security and operations stations hauling themselves to their feet. They looked very young – he was surprised to see such youthful faces on the bridge, until he remembered that he was pretty young too. How young, he couldn't be sure, but the skin on the backs of his hands was smooth and unmarked. He had no idea of his own birthdate – or the current stardate, for that matter. Yet he had the presence of mind to call for shields before he addressed the bridge crew:

"Does anybody know what just happened?"

They responded with mingled expressions of confusion. Their stations were familiar, they could still operate their consoles – but not one of them could produce his or her own name.

The officer at the engineering station, a blonde human woman, began to pull up data on the ship's personnel.

"I'm showing a large group of humanoid life forms in the mess hall," she said. "From the look of it, I would guess some sort of crew gathering was taking place. Captain – " she addressed Kim, "I mean, if you are the captain – do you think we might be some sort of backup bridge crew? Looking at us, I don't think we're the senior staff. On the other hand, I don't know why I think so."

Kim looked down and observed that his uniform was black with yellow shoulders, not command red. He turned to the woman at his side, who wore black and red. She filled it out awfully well, too, he couldn't help but notice.

"That makes sense to me," he said. "What do you think?"

"I agree," the woman in red said. "We need to find some sort of ship's manifest, to figure out who we are. From where we're sitting, it looks like one of us is in command."

The blonde turned back to them from the computer with a frustrated expression.

"I'm locked out of the personnel records. I need to get down to engineering to restore full control of the ship. Shouldn't someone search the rest of the ship to see if we can find someone who knows what's going on."

"I agree," Kim said. "Well, assuming for the moment that I _am_ captain, or acting captain, and that you – " he gestured at the woman in red, "are my first officer, you have the bridge while I … well, while _she_ goes to engineering and I go anywhere else I can think of. I guess I'll start with the crowd in the mess hall. Everyone okay with that?" Heads nodded silently around the bridge and Kim followed the small blonde woman to the turbolift. He turned back.

"Everyone – weapons, propulsion, and shields are the priorities. If this was an attack, we could be vulnerable to another."

Baffled faces nodded their assent and everyone turned back to their work stations.

As the lift descended, Kim said, "How is it that we know where we're going – what deck and what to do when we get there – and we can't remember who we are?"

The woman put a hand to her forehead. "I wish I knew. We've got to find the crew manifest and get communications up. The minute we're separated, I won't even be able to hail you. Even if I _could_ hail you, I wouldn't know your name – or mine!" She dropped her hand with a frustrated grunt. "No, wait. I remember that we can assign designations to new teams. Computer, make my designation 'Engineering Team.'"

"Good idea," Harry said. "Computer, make my designation 'Survey Team.'"

The doors opened onto Deck 2 to reveal a man and a woman mirroring the tense postures of the two inside the turbolift. She was small and redheaded. He was tall with a facial tattoo. Both were out of uniform, Kim noticed with surprise. It would be unusual for an Intrepid class starship to carry civilian passengers. Perhaps these were diplomatic guests. He wondered how far they were from the nearest starbase.

"Hello," Kim said as he stepped into the corridor. "We were just coming from the bridge. We experienced something very strange up there."

"As did we in the mess hall," the redhead said. "It seems to have wiped our memories – partially, at least. We remember practical knowledge, but we've lost personal awareness. We don't know who we are or why we're here."

"That's exactly what happened to us," the woman at Kim's side answered. "I'm headed to Engineering and – uh – _he_ " – gesturing to Kim – "is going to see who all the people are in the mess hall."

"We just came from there," the tattooed man said. "There's a large group but none of them know what happened."

The redhead turned to him. "Maybe we should go to Sickbay instead, to see if the Doctor can treat this amnesia."

Kim stepped out of the turbolift and the two new passengers stepped in. He stood perplexed in the corridor for only a moment before the sound of voices confirmed his instinct about the direction of the mess hall. He made his way there and stepped into the open doorway. Several dozen blank faces turned toward him. A tall, sandy-haired man in a loose cotton shirt took a half step his way.

"Hi there," the man said, as if he were the bartender. "I'd love to introduce myself, but I don't have the foggiest idea what my name is. Do you?"

 _TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

Janeway and her companion hesitated after stepping off the turbolift, looking one direction then the other.

"Right?" she asked finally.

"I think so," he said.

Once they started walking, though, they found that their feet knew the way to Sickbay.

"It's so peculiar," Janeway was saying as the Sickbay doors opened in front of them to reveal a man who must be the ship's doctor leaning over an unknown ensign. "Everything I see is so familiar. I know how to get to places I can't remember ever going to. How can it be that we know this ship so well when we don't remember how we got here?"

"You've got me," the tattooed man said. "I'd say this is the strangest thing that's ever happened to me, but then, how would I know?"

The doctor straightened up and frowned as they entered. He slapped his medical tricorder on the nearest shelf and advanced toward them with an officious march.

"More of you. I don't suppose _you_ know what's going on, or who you are? Someone has tampered with my memory. I am missing all identifying records for the crew. I need to speak to the Chief Engineer – if I knew who that was." He folded his arms and glared.

The tattooed man stepped forward. "You say you're missing records? Do you mean that you're an artificial life form?"

The doctor released an exaggerated sigh. "I am a hologram. _That_ was obvious the moment I tried to leave Sickbay. But the biological crew are missing the same memories – anything personally identifying. I assume you suffer from the same … disability?"

The newcomers to Sickbay glanced at each other in dismay.

"Yes," Janeway said. "We were hoping you'd be able to restore our memories. Or that the computer would have records that would explain who we are. We woke up in the mess hall with a large group of people in civilian clothes. Is it possible that we are all passengers?"

The doctor paused, then looked toward the computer.

"Yes, that could be it. I only looked up the crew manifest, and it seemed extremely small for a ship this size. But if the mission is ferrying passengers, it might be done with a small crew to make more room for the passengers. Then the question is, where are we taking you?" He hurried to the nearest monitor and began to enter queries. "There it is! We are on course to a nearby M class planet to pick up more passengers and take all of you to … yes, to a similar planet in the next star system, where you will all settle."

He turned back to his visitors with a triumphant smile.

"And our memories?" the tattooed man asked. "Can you come up with any explanation for what happened? Or tell us our names?"

The doctor stuck a finger in the air. "Ah yes, names." He turned back to the monitor and began to pull up records. Images flashed as Janeway and her companion leaned over the doctor's shoulders.

"That one!" Janeway exclaimed. "That's the man we saw in the turbolift. He's one of the crew."

"Yes," the doctor agreed. "That's Captain Kim. Did you meet Commander Addams, the first officer?"

A picture of an attractive dark-haired woman filled the screen. All three exchanged looks, but no sign of recognition.

"No," Janeway said. "She doesn't look familiar."

The doctor began to flick through more images. A moment later, the tattooed man's face snapped up in front of them beside a record of his personal information.

"Amal Kotay?" he read. "That's my name?"

"Look." Janeway pointed. "It says you go by Chakotay. You're a carpenter."

"A carpenter. That sounds okay." Chakotay scanned the record as it unscrolled down the page. He stopped with a sharp intake of breath. "I'm traveling with my wife. Doctor, can you show her to me?"

The doctor tapped at the screen. "Of course. Just a moment." A few more passenger records flashed in front of them before another familiar face occupied the screen.

"Oh my," Janeway whispered. Her fingers flew involuntarily to her mouth.

"Aha!" the doctor announced triumphantly. "It looks as if there's a reason you two gravitated toward one another. Mr. Kotay, meet your wife, Kathryn Janeway."

Behind the doctor's head, Chakotay and Janeway's eyes met in shock.

 _TBC_


	4. Chapter 4

Captain Kim strode onto the bridge the moment the turbolift doors opened.

"Right," he said. "Now that we have names, let's figure out what's happened to this ship. Lieutenant Commander Wildman, report."

"We haven't finished a full search of computer records, Captain," Wildman said, "but we have found out quite a bit."

Lieutenant Ayala piped up from the tactical station: "This vessel is called the Voyager. We are part of an organization called the United Federation of Planets. We are on a transport mission to shift the population of an entire planet to a new home."

"What planet?" Kim asked.

"Lysia," Wildman announced. "Their planet is no longer capable of supporting their species due to ecological damage. We are responsible for their resettlement on an unoccupied Class M planet in the next system, a place called Malthus. The transports will take … more than four years, at the current rate."

"Four _years_?" Kim repeated in shock. "That's an awfully long mission."

Commander Addams, the first officer, rose from her chair. "We're saving an entire species. This … United Federation must have decided it was worthwhile."

Wildman tapped at her console. "Captain, there's been a great deal of damage to our computer system. Maybe we're not getting the correct information."

Kim moved toward her. "What are you saying?"

"That we get confirmation of this mission from our headquarters," Wildman said. "I've been trying and trying to raise someone, but we seem to be … well, at a distance from the nearest Federation outpost that I'm finding a little difficult to believe. The sensors must be malfunctioning."

Addams stepped forward. "Didn't you see that our orders specifically required us to maintain communications silence? Our mission is part of a highly coordinated effort to shift the Lysian population without alerting the attention of hostile species to their new location."

"We're the lynchpin to the whole operation," Ayala said. "We're much faster than the Lysian ships, and the populations on the home planet are straining their life support capacity. We must deliver our passengers and continue the transport mission."

"Very well," Kim said. "Set a course for Malthus, warp 8."


	5. Chapter 5

Janeway and Chakotay stood just inside the door of their assigned quarters, staring at the unfamiliar space.

"Do you remember any of this?" she asked.

He frowned. "Not this room particularly, but the ship still feels familiar." He turned his head to look at her. " _You_ seem familiar. I have to admit, when the doctor told me that you're my wife, I felt a sense of …"

His pause went on so long that Janeway finished his sentence. "Recognition?"

Chakotay nodded. "Yes." But he stood still and did not advance into the room.

"I had the same reaction. It makes sense. We are compatible. We share quarters." She crossed to the doorway to the left of the viewport. "Apparently we share a bed." Her eyes fell on a framed photo on the viewport ledge. She picked it up and traced a finger over the image of the two of them dressed for a party, wearing flowers around their necks, smiling at each other. Chakotay walked to her side to see the photo.

"I wonder how long we've been married," he said. One hand rose automatically to the small of her back as they studied the image. "I wish I remembered the time we've spent together. Our wedding."

Janeway put a comforting hand on his arm. "I'm sure it's only temporary, this memory loss. Soon enough it will all come back and you'll be telling me to stop leaving my boots in the middle of our quarters." She attempted a little laugh, but Chakotay only tilted his head closer to examine her face.

"I just wish I remembered. Everything." He lifted a finger to trace the line of her cheek. "Standing here like this, it feels natural. But there's no sign of children." His face was suddenly bereft as he looked around the snug space, big enough for only two.

Janeway set the photo back on the ledge. "Do you think the officers know what they're doing? How do they know how to fly the ship if their memories were wiped too?"

"If they're like us, they remember what they do, just not who they are."

Slowly, they began to prepare for bed. Janeway suddenly froze with her shirt halfway over her head. With a self-conscious glance at Chakotay, she pulled it off and stood facing him in only her bra and trousers.

"Does it feel odd to you, just getting in bed together like this when we don't really remember each other?" she asked.

He looked down at the trousers he had just taken off and carefully folded them as he considered. At last he said,

"I suppose it's possible that we're mistaken about our relationship, or even that we're being manipulated somehow. But everything the Doctor has told us suggests that we've only lost memories, not that any have been implanted. And I do remember how I feel about you, more strongly all the time. You're my wife, Kathryn. I have no doubts about that."

Her shoulders relaxed at the look of open adoration on his face.

"You're right," Janeway agreed. "He said there was only missing memory engram activity where it should be, but nothing that seemed new or out of place."

"If that's true, then the way we feel about each other is real," he concluded. "When I look at you – even when I look around these standard starship rooms – I feel at home. I feel as if I'm exactly where I should be. What do you feel when you look at me?"

Janeway studied his face, then let her eyes roam over the broad shoulders and powerful legs before her. She dropped her eyes and smiled a little half-smile to herself as she closed the distance between them.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I feel … like a lucky woman," she answered and stepped in to stretch for his kiss. It was a gentle kiss, tentative, in keeping with the bizarre experience of having met each other only a few hours earlier. Their lips met, caressed, and slid apart. He ran his hands down her bare arms and she shivered.

"I feel like a lucky man," he said.

They stood that way, touching only at the hands, looking into each other's eyes for answers, until Janeway sighed, wrapped her arms around Chakotay's waist and rested her head on his chest. His arms wrapped around her as if they'd done so every day for years and his lips brushed her hair. She trembled again and snuggled more firmly into him.

"Even if you're a perfect stranger," she told him, "I think I trust you. And I'm exhausted. Could we just lie down and sleep and worry about tomorrow when it gets here?"

"That sounds fine to me." His fingers moved to stroke her smooth updo, still perfect after a long day. "Do you happen to remember how to get your hair out of … whatever you do to it?"

Janeway straightened, put her hands to her head, and groaned. "I have a feeling there are pins involved." She turned her back to him. "Would you mind seeing what you can do? You can see it better."

"Of course."

Chakotay began with the topmost knot of hair, felt for the hidden pins holding it in place, and carefully released a long curl to hang down her back. One thick hank of hair at a time, he unwound the taut coiffure until it lay loose and soft around her shoulders.

"There. I think I've got it."

"Oh, that feels so much better! Do you think you can do the same thing in reverse in the morning? Chakotay?" Janeway shook her hair loose, smiling and relaxed in her black lace bra, and turned back to Chakotay.

He was staring open-mouthed, speechless at the sight of her. A second later he regained control and cleared his throat. "Maybe I'd better sleep on the sofa."

Realization hit Janeway another second later and she blushed, began to cover her chest with her arms, then let her arms fall and laughed out loud. "You think we won't be able to keep our hands off each other? Isn't that proof that we really are a couple?"

Chakotay put his hands behind his back and tried to look anywhere but at the woman in front of him. "I'm not going to take much convincing to get in bed with you, Kathryn, but I don't want you to feel that I'm being pushy. It's an awkward situation."

Janeway tossed her hair back and took a moment's pleasure in Chakotay's aching glance and hard swallow. How could this man who so obviously wanted her – and the feeling was mutual, she couldn't deny – yet loved her enough to sleep on the couch, be anyone but her husband? She saw no reason to be cruel to him, and more than that, she wanted that t-shirt off him before the lights went out. Her entire body was telling her so at increasingly demanding volume. This must be right. She felt it instinctively. She stepped right up so that Chakotay could feel her breasts against his chest and settled her hands on his behind.

"I'm pushy enough for both of us," she whispered as she grabbed the hem of his t-shirt. Chakotay made no protest as she pulled it up and off him, but shut his eyes and moaned lightly when her tongue darted out at one nipple, then the other. Her lips brushed across his before she asked, "Is that convincing enough for you?"

When his eyes opened, Janeway saw the change in them immediately. His reticence and caution were gone, replaced by overpowering desire. Strong arms came under her knees and back so that she was off the ground, held against his chest in an instant. They fell onto the bed together.

"I hope you weren't planning on getting a lot of sleep tonight," Chakotay said as she lifted her hips to let him pull her trousers down.

Janeway stretched both arms above her head so that he could admire the full length of pale skin and delicate undergarments beneath him. "What else did you have in mind?" she inquired in her sultriest voice.

Chakotay didn't answer in words, but unfolded himself on top of her with a groan of ecstasy and gave his undivided attention to consummating their newly discovered marriage.

 _To be continued …_


	6. Chapter 6

"Thank you for coming so quickly," Captain Kim told Torres and Paris. "I need your help." They stood before him in the ready room, Paris in a blue-shouldered uniform and Torres in green. Kim was studying the monitor in front of him, clicking through names and descriptions of crewmembers as unknown to him as to themselves.

"We've been waiting to find out more about our identities," Torres said. "This experience has been … disconcerting for everyone."

"I can certainly understand that," Kim said. "We've managed to access the crew manifest. You are our Chief Science Officer, Lieutenant Torres. I need your analysis of the planet where we're settling passengers. I have insufficient information to satisfy me that it will be a healthy environment for human life. All the available data applies to Lysians."

"Of course, Captain. I'll get on it right away," Torres answered, then looked around the room with an embarrassed expression. "I'm afraid I don't know where my laboratory is."

Kim sighed. "As far as I can tell, we don't have dedicated laboratory space assigned to you. I'm guessing you use Sickbay, the airponics bay, and the cargo bays as needed."

"Very well." Torres nodded her agreement and glanced at Paris, who waited expectantly beside her for his own assignment. Kim followed her gaze.

"And you, Lieutenant Paris. You're our ship's counselor."

Paris smiled in recognition. "That makes sense. I mean, it feels right. People have been telling me their troubles already. It's like being a bartender with a rank."

"Good," Kim said. "We're going to need you. The crew is understandably – disconcerted, as Lieutenant Torres notes, by the loss of personal memories. You have access to the crew manifest, as well as personal logs. It should be everything you need to help the crew rediscover their roles aboard Voyager, and for those who have chosen settlement on the planet to remember why they made that decision. Come to me with any difficulties."

"Thank you, Captain. I will. And in my role as ship's counselor, may I ask how you're handling all this? Quite a shock, isn't it, losing all our memories at once?"

Harry Kim rose and walked around the desk. "I'll admit, it's a lot to get used to. Apparently this is my first command. I have no idea how we got this far out into the Delta quadrant or what the plan is to get us back once this mission is complete. There are so many unanswered questions, and we're operating in a communications blackout due to the delicacy of the mission. It worries me."

"That is disturbing," Paris agreed. "I'll circulate and see how the crew are doing."

"I'd like both of you at the senior staff briefing at 1100. Bring any information you have by then."

"Aye aye, Captain," said Torres. Kim dismissed them and they crossed the bridge to the turbolift, exchanging nods with the bridge crew.

When the doors closed behind them, Paris turned to Torres. "Okay, I'm going to go ahead and say it. Something really weird is going on."

"What do you mean?" 

"For starters, some people are starting to feel familiar to me and others aren't. You, for example. I know you, I'm sure of it. I can't remember the particulars, but I have the feeling that they'll come back. Other people - " Paris made a frustrated swipe with his hand.

"Like who?"

"The first officer, Commander Addams. I could swear I've never laid eyes on her before."

Torres shook her head. "Every person I see is as big a mystery to me as the last one. It's like I've been dumped onto this ship from another one as a big practical joke."

Paris barked a laugh. "A practical joke. Yeah. That's exactly what this feels like. Except not funny at all."


	7. Chapter 7

"What have you found doctor?" Torres asked, standing beside the Doctor at the central Sickbay terminal.

"Not much," he said. "The brain scans I've run are abnormal, but the hippocampus is undamaged. It appears that the crew still has long-term memories – some of which you can access – but they're being blocked somehow. Mine were deliberately erased – everything except medical knowledge. It's extremely peculiar."

"Could we get at the memories some other way? Or find a backup of your program? There must be one." Torres began to tap at the screen. "I feel as if I have some background with your program. It's familiar to me. Let me try something."

"Try away." The Doctor stepped away from the terminal and sighed. "What I need are the crew's original medical files. Any chance of getting access to those?"

"It's our next priority," Torres said.

"Lieutenant Torres?" The hail started both of them as the comm system clicked back to life. Torres looked around in confusion for a second then tapped her badge.

"Torres here," she said. "Captain?"

"Yes, this is Kim. We're finding more and more holes in ship's records, but we're getting systems back up. Do you have any more data about our destination?"

"Not just yet. I'm trying to restore the Doctor's full function. We need him to treat the crew and passengers' memory loss."

"That's not the order I gave," Kim snapped. "Commander Addams has discovered that our original mission information was garbled. We're only four _days_ from Malthus. I need to be sure that we can complete the resettlement mission successfully. We're responsible for many lives – hundreds after we pick up the additional passengers tomorrow."

"Understood, Captain. I'll get right on it. Torres out. " She clicked shut the transmission. "I'm sorry, Doctor. This will have to wait until I've analyzed the new planet."

"But it could make all the difference, having our memories," the Doctor objected. "What if none of this is right? Even if something affected organic memories, why would it alter mine? What if we're being manipulated?"

The doors to Sickbay slid open and Commander Addams stepped in. "I'm here to help with your preparations for the settlement, Lieutenant," she said. "We have a big job to do and not much time to do it."

"Of course," said Torres as Addams stepped up beside her. "Let me just finish the search I was doing for backups of the Doctor's program."

Addams grasped Torres' wrist and held it still. "That won't be necessary. The captain gave you an order. Let's proceed to cargo bay 2 and get the settlers' equipment ready to go."

"Commander Addams is right," the Doctor said crisply to Torres. "We have more urgent matters to attend to. But first, Commander, may I scan you to determine the extent of your memory loss? It will help in my analysis of the condition."

"As soon as we have cargo bay 2 organized, I'll come right back here for any tests you'd like, Doctor," Addams said.

The Doctor responded with an amiable nod. "Thank you, Commander," he said, but the moment she turned to go he grabbed a hypospray from the tray beside him and slapped it against her neck. She writhed away with extraordinary strength, but the sedative was already taking effect. As Addams dropped to the floor, the Doctor was already scanning with his medical tricorder.

"As I suspected," he announced in triumph. "She's not human."

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

The Doctor was standing next to Janeway, observing her return to consciousness after the memory restoration treatment. She rolled her head from side to side with a light moan, put a hand to her forehead, then suddenly sat bolt upright with a gasp. Sickbay was full of prone crewmembers with blinking monitors at their temples. On the biobed next to her, Chakotay lay still.

Janeway swung her legs around. Her feet hit the deck and she stood up with the same purposeful stance she always had as the Doctor grabbed her arm.

"Captain!" he said. "You can't get up, you're not fully recovered!"

Janeway snapped the monitor off her neck and tossed it on the biobed. "I'm needed on the bridge," she said. "Tell me what you know."

"I need to monitor your condition," the Doctor began. "You've had a very – "

"Forget about my condition and tell me about my ship!"

"Very well. Yesterday I successfully sedated and restrained a member of an alien race who had infiltrated the crew using a memory suppression technique. The Lysians were planning to pick up a crew of their own and deposit ours on a nearby M class planet. They thought it was quite the civilized way of stealing our ship. Commander Addams is in the brig, restored to her original physiology. Yet again, if I may say so, I've saved the day!"

Janeway put her hands on her hips. "Thank you, Doctor. Your efficiency is always appreciated."

Behind her, Chakotay groaned and held a hand to his head as he sat up. Janeway glanced his way but hurried out of Sickbay before he'd blinked his eyes into focus. The Doctor rushed to Chakotay's side.

"At least _you_ 'll listen to me, won't you?" he pleaded. "I don't know what the effect of all this will be on brain function. I need more data. If you and the captain hadn't insisted on being the first ones, I'd have more …"

"I feel fine," Chakotay said. "You can monitor me while I go back to work. Who knows what's happened to the ship the last few days while the crew was - " Something seemed to strike him and he went quiet. Chakotay looked around Sickbay. "Where's the captain?"

"She jumped up and bolted for the bridge the moment she woke up. I need _you_ to set a better example. Your memory engrams are still in flux. You could sustain permanent damage to the hippocampus if you don't complete the full treatment. I don't know as much as I'd like to about the technology the Lysians used on you. _Please_ , Commander, lie down!"

Chakotay stared at the empty biobed for a long moment before he laid back and shut his eyes. "All right. Finish the treatment. The real damage is done."

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Chakotay was wandering his quarters, cup of tea in hand, on the third morning after the Doctor released him from Sickbay. He picked up a sock here, a PADD there, halfheartedly tidying the mess that had developed as he ran in and out and fell asleep in his uniform the last several days. The entire crew had been working double shifts to restore and repair systems damaged by the Lysians' attack.

When he lifted the tea to his lips, it was cold. He turned to the replicator to order another and found a second cup of lukewarm tea waiting there for him. Now that he'd made his bed, he thought, maybe it would be better just to sleep on the couch again. At least his exhaustion had made it easier until now not to think of the hopeless mess he'd made of things with Kathryn. Just as the thought crossed his mind, the chime rang.

"Come in," he said automatically. It would be another distraught crewman, wanting fatherly advice about the sudden loss of an intimate relationship that had been so real, so precious. The Lysians had been wise enough to pair up nearly everyone. The pleasant distraction had kept nearly everyone quite content as Commander Addams got them just where she wanted them.

Chakotay was in no condition to give such advice, but as often happened in the Delta Quadrant, he was doing what had to be done, not what he felt qualified to do. _Talk it through_ , he'd told them. _Don't avoid each other._ _If the experience awakened feelings, consider exploring them._ _We'll be out here together a long time._ This advice was fine for them. It was no good at all for him.

He was standing at the replicator calling for more tea when he heard her voice.

"Chakotay."

He stiffened, took his tea, and slowly turned around. Janeway was just inside the doors, in full uniform, hair gathered at her neck in the simpler, more convenient style he'd suggested during the few days they were together. He'd noticed her wearing it that way since their memories were restored. If that was all he got – the only little gesture that said she remembered what had passed between them – he'd take it. It would be more than he'd gotten after New Earth. He sipped his tea and returned it to the replicator shelf.

"Kathryn." He greeted her where he was, on the far side of the room. The door shut behind her.

Janeway cleared her throat, clasped her hands, then put them behind her back to stand at parade rest. "I apologize that there hasn't been time the last few days to clear the air. Here I am." She was having trouble looking straight at him, but she managed.

Chakotay hesitated, then retrieved his tea, moved to the cushions in front of the viewport and sat. "I don't know that there's much to say."

A deep breath, all the way in, all the way out. She rolled her shoulders as if preparing for exercise. She chose a spot several feet down the cushion and sat, hands in her lap, ankles crossed, turned slightly toward him, poised and controlled.

"I know there's no way for this not to be awkward," Janeway said, "but I want you to know that I will always … cherish the … experience we shared." She offered him a small, embarrassed smile.

"As will I."

Chakotay hoped for nothing. He'd been telling himself in a steady mantra since the moment he woke up in Sickbay. There was no point in hoping that their time together would be anything but a mortifying episode in her mind. His heart would wind up shattered into more pieces than he was ready to contemplate just yet. Just being in the same room with her was like a mild form of electric shock, stimulating yet painful to the core of his being.

From the moment the doctor told him that Janeway was his wife, Chakotay had embraced that reality wholly. He'd wished he remembered their wedding and imagined what their children would look like. Finding that it was another cruel Delta Quadrant lie would be his curse for a long time to come. Chakotay sat and thought these things and wondered what else they could possibly say to each other – what they could ever say to each other after this. He wished she would leave.

Janeway shifted on the cushion and swallowed. "In retrospect, I can't help but feel as if I pushed myself on you. I want to apologize for that."

"You have nothing to apologize for. I was a … willing participant." He could only hope that she'd been asleep when he woke in the night, more than once, and lay on his side gazing at her, ran a finger along her smooth cheek, and smoothed the silk of her hair against his skin, overwhelmed with the love he'd never for an instant thought to suppress. He was astonished to hear a low chuckle from the other end of the cushion.

"We weren't our normal scientific selves, were we?" she said. "I suppose we could blame it on the memory damage, but we didn't buy much else that the Lysians offered us. We questioned the mission, the means, the command team, but not the most incredible thing of all – the marriage!"

"People believe what they want to believe," Chakotay said mildly. None of this would make a difference. It was early but he'd been up most of the night. He needed a nap.

"Did you want to believe it?" Janeway asked, suddenly serious.

He wouldn't be taken so easily. "Did you?"

"Part of me wanted it as much as I've ever wanted anything," she said.

"And the other parts of you?" Because that was what counted, the Starfleet parts of her that ran the other parts every minute of every day – except when alien mind control interfered.

Janeway rubbed her forehead. "Oh Chakotay, we've been down this road before. As captain, it's - "

"A luxury you can't afford. I'm well aware. I was ready to pretend it never happened. You wanted to talk." He tried to keep the words from sounding bitter but saw in her tight face that he'd failed.

She sighed. "You're right. It just seemed impossible for us to walk away from … that, with our friendship intact."

"I'm still your friend, Kathryn," Chakotay said to his teacup.

"I'm grateful for that. I'm still your friend too."

Chakotay thought of offering her a cup of tea or coffee, of making some gesture to smooth over the raw pain sitting like an intruder on the couch between them, but he had no will to make this easier. Let her feel it. Let her feel something, as a balance to all he was feeling and would have to deny every day from now on, until the denial left a burned out blank space at his core.

Janeway took an audible breath, as if getting ready to speak, then pushed up from the couch and hurried to the door. She stood in front of it for a second, head bowed, just outside the range of the sensor that would open the door and release her into the corridor.

"I will always love you," she said, so softly Chakotay wasn't sure he'd heard correctly until she was out the door and gone.


End file.
